Michael Robinson

As many of you know, I've written a weekly opinion column for CityWeekly for the past 10 years...As it's light hearted and funny, I thought some of you might enjoy my Christmas column, so I'm posting it hear. You will laugh--and maybe cry a little too. Happy Holidays, Michael
Christmas 2025
Special Delivery from the CEO of Everything
By Michael Robinson
I really should stop checking my mailbox. Nowadays, it’s just a graveyard of credit card offers and coupons for lawn mowing services offering special December-through-March discounts. I was kind of hoping that the CEO of Everything would choose someone else this year to distribute his Christmas Letter to Mankind; but there it was again—the heavy, cream-colored envelope that smells like ozone and expensive scotch. No return address, no stamp, and somehow, the mailbox was slightly singed around the edges.
Keep in mind, I’m just an opinion columnist. I have no business being the official bearer of letters from the Almighty--especially given my track record. My last attempt at a career on the evangelical tour ended when I tried to heal a neighbor’s Athlete’s Foot and, instead, managed to give him a mild concussion. Apparently, there’s a very fine line between the "laying on of hands" and "unintentional assault."
But as the saying goes, God works in mysterious ways, and apparently, those ways involve my Monday afternoon mail delivery. He explicitly commanded me to share this with you—my fellow "kiddies,” as He refers to us—so here is the 2025 Christmas Letter from our CEO:
"My Dear and Highly Distracted Children,
I’m starting this letter with a bit of a headache. I’ve spent the last few hours trying to figure out your new ‘AI’ technology. I asked a chatbot to write a prayer for peace, and it gave me a 500-word essay on how to monetize my brand and 'scale my influence' in the tri-state area. Of course, it was I who invented the concept of 'Everything Everywhere All at Once,' and yet, I must admit, I find your digital landscape confusing.
Well, Kiddies, let’s get to the nitty-gritty: I’m not feeling particularly jolly this season. My 'Mankind Experiment' is currently looking like a science project that’s been left in the back of the fridge for too long. I’m seeing things that make me want to go back to the drawing board—or at least the big red button, labeled “Flood,” though I promised Noah I’d lay off the heavy rains for a while.
First, let’s address the elephant in the room—or rather, the politicians at the pulpit. I am absolutely exhausted by the number of people claiming they have my personal ‘cell phone number’ and that I’ve given my blessings to their legislative agendas.
Listen closely: I don't care about your border walls or your tax brackets. I gave you a planet with enough fruit and sunshine for everyone, and you’ve turned it into a high-stakes game of Monopoly where everyone is cheating. To the Mike Johnsons and the self-anointed 'prophets' of the world: stop using my name to sell your brand of exclusion. It’s tacky. If I wanted to be that narrow-minded, I would have made the universe the size of a walk-in closet instead of an infinite expanse of stardust.
And speaking of stardust, could you please stop trying to escape to Mars? I gave you Earth. It has oxygen, puppies, and chocolate. Mars is a dusty red rock with the ambiance of a vacuum cleaner bag. If you can’t play nice in the garden I built for you, what makes you think you’ll do better in a pressurized tin can? Just a suggestion: Stick to solving your problems on earth, and forget about filling the heavens with space-junk.
I’ve had to make some 'divine adjustments' this year. As you’re aware, my perspective on time is a bit different than yours—to me, the last two thousand years have been about the length of a long lunch break—but I’ve noticed that mankind’s patience is wearing thin. You’re all so busy screaming into your iPhones that you’ve forgotten how to listen. I’ve considered updating my delivery method to keep your attention. Maybe a pyrotechnic display over the Super Bowl? Or humongous white robe that pulses with 1,500-foot woofers? But, then again, I'm a classic and pretty much committed to 'the same ol', same ol'.'
I’m also deeply disappointed by the 'naughty' list this year. It’s getting so long that the elves have had to switch to a cloud-based storage system, and even that is reaching its data limit. I’ve got Supreme Court justices, conspiracy theorists, and people who talk on speakerphone in public libraries all vying for the top spot.
I’m particularly annoyed by the 'just-plain-bad' list; I’ve even retired the jerseys of a few specific politicians—including the “Don of Dirty Dealings” with the windswept hair and the 'shove-it-up-your-a**' attitude. I’m doing my very best to bring some of them 'home' early, but the Devil keeps sending me 'Return to Sender' notices. Apparently, even Hell has standards.
As for the tragedies of the last few years—the pestilence, the fires, the social unrest—I’m going to pull a ‘politician’ move here and blame my GPS. I tried to target a few specific egos for a humbling experience, but the signal must have glitched. I accidentally sent a minor earthquake to a peaceful suburb instead of a gaudy, palatial residence in Florida.
But here’s the thing, Kiddies: Despite your constant bickering and your inexplicable obsession with personal vibrators, I still love you. I’m trying to be more introspective, more 'evolved.' I no longer take joy in your suffering, like I did way back in Old Testament times.
I just want you to get it right.
The 'meek' are still scheduled to inherit the earth, but the paperwork is stuck in probate because the 'aggressive' keep gumming up the court with pathetic delaying tactics. In the meantime, try to focus on the real meaning of this season. It's not about the 'chosen' or the 'entitled.' It’s for the Amazon pygmies, the refugees, the non-believers, and even the guy who cuts you off in traffic.
Give your hearts to the ideal of kindness—not just on December 25th, but every day. If you do that, maybe I won’t feel the need to turn all the sunrises green next year--just to see if you’re paying attention.
Season's greetings,
God"

Posted on: Dec 11, 2025 at 9:22 AM

Happy Birthday to one of my favorites!

Happy Birthday, Ron

Happy Birthday, Jane... remembering lots of great times and savoring friends and family

Posted on: May 11, 2025 at 7:29 AM